A grandmother's love

I taught English at a school serving Philadelphia's male juvenile delinquents for six years. Humans become desensitized quickly to even to the most wretched conditions as a result of constant exposure. When this happened, it was a day just like any other. Now I work in the suburbs and I'm rapidly forgetting the children of the ghetto. Soon it will all be gone.

After reading the final page of the novel we closed our books with conviction and the conversation turned to death. Joey White Shoes put his head down on the table and closed his eyes. Tony spoke at great length. When he tells us what his grandmother says he mimics her high-pitched Northeast Philly whinge.

My granda tells me, “You’ll miss me when I’m gone,” and I think I might, but I doubt it. She’s mean as shit. No man, don’t look at me like that. She is. Like, I tell my grandma, “Good night, I love you, grandma,” and she says, “Drop dead.” Really, she tells me to drop dead like once or twice a day. I count.

She comes back from grocery shopping and I say, “You need help with that grandma?” and she says, “Go to hell. You don’t mean it.”

I take a bath and my grandma says, “Wash out that fucking tub. No one wants to be showing with their feet in your scum. Fucking sissy. Even my 87 year old mom don’t take a bath.” But, I gotta take a bath to relax. Man, I’m like totally stressed out by the end of the day.

I say, “Grandma, what’s for dinner?” and she tells me, “Shut the fuck up.” I say I’m going out and I’ll be back later and she says, “Thank god. The sooner you leave and the later you come back the better.” But if I’m even one second late she screams at me, “You’re fucking late!” and then calls my social worker and probation officer. She leaves insane messages like three minutes after midnight telling them how much of a prick I am. Then she grounds me for a week.

This summer I made her a jewelry box in shop and when I gave it to her she told me, “Shove it up your ass. My birthday was a month ago and you spelled my fucking name wrong.” Which was true, but like how am I supposed to know that “Deloris” has only one “l” and no “u”? Like, I totally sounded it out and I thought I heard the short “u” sound. Like, can't you hear the "uh"?

The other day was the first time I was allowed out to see my friends in a week. I was leaving out the house without no jacket on and she stood in front of the door, the top of her head only comes up to my shoulders. She’s blocking my way with her arms and shouts in my face, “You ain’t leaving this house without no goddamn jacket.” I asked, “Why you care?” She told me, “I don’t like you, but somebody gotta make sure you don’t die before you’re 18. So shut up, put on your jacket and get out of my house.”

Ya know, it’s like, I hate coming to school. But it’s like the only place I can go where adults aren’t always telling me, “Shut the fuck up, go to hell, drop dead, shove it up your ass.”

I mean, but yea, I guess I’ll miss her when she dies cause it’s like she always tells me, “You got shit for brains and can’t remember nothing.”

Tony took a deep breath. I looked at Jackson who looked at me then looked at Tony who smiled and looked at the floor. The weight of the world hung above the table. An eternity of silence filled the space below. The smile faded from Tony’s face until there was nothing. Jackson spoke, “Yo, it’s not cause you got shit between your ears that you’ll miss her. It cause you love her and she loves you. But dawg, truly you do be forgetting some stupid ass shit.”

Jackson smiled. He possesses brilliant white teeth. Tony laughed, "Right on. She's my grandma." The bell rang. Joey White Shoes lifted his large head from the table, jolted into consciousness eyes wide and yellow as the moon. I watched him figure out where he was and then he too wasn't afraid.